Back In The Saddle Again (Part II)

Sooo.... I got a job. I really am excited.

And yet..... I'm also a little sad ( I really did search for a more impressive adjective to put here but sad just summed it up perfectly).

You see, I have had a fairly flexible schedule for the past few years, and was even a stay at home mom this past year. I had oodles of time with my boys. I was there for all the early morning bed heads, rare but precious snuggles, silly jokes, crazy temper tantrums, exciting firsts, blatant disobedience, and precious sleepy naptime faces. Now, I simply won't be there. And this, this is what makes me sad.

As my mind begins to romanticize these days at home, mommy guilt settles over me. That feeling I am betraying my children by not letting them be the sole center of my universe nags at me. Yet, I do not doubt that returning to teaching is the right decision for me and my family. Isaac will be at the same school I am teaching at, and I know this will be great for him. Titus will be watched ( and spoiled rotten) by family. I've been amazed and encouraged by how the job and then the situations for my children have all been provided. I have peace that this is God directed. But, I'm a girl. And girls love to needlessly drown themselves in guilt!

I also worry about being able to juggle it all. Wife. Mom. Teacher. Pastor's wife. Sometimes I feel slightly overwhelmed by the workload of it all. It'll be a lot. It will be a change. I'm sure there will be several posts this year addressing this very thing.

 When I start to panic at the thought of it all, I reflect on the woman in Proverbs 31. She was a wife, a mother, a business woman. She was busy, yet her family was proud of her and thankful for her. Why? .... Because she prioritized. Her heavenly Father, her husband, her children, her home, her work. In that order. She was diligent, managed her time well, planned ahead, made wise choices, and was strong. What an awesome example of womanhood. Some women view this chapter as an impossible standard that judgingly looks down on them ( I know because I used to think that). But after studying this chapter, I see this as an encouraging testament to what women can accomplish. I can be diligent, use my time wisely, plan ahead, make biblical choices, be strong. 

I can choose to put my God first. I can still pour into my family. I can be a diligent teacher and love my students. I can do all these things, not because I'm naturally strong but because He is. 

So.....Goodbye guilt, goodbye panic, goodbye sadness.

Back In the Saddle Again...

So, I got a job. It's pretty great and I am nervously excited. It's not my dream job (unfortunately no one has offered to pay me gross amounts of money to lounge around and read all day. Maybe one day...). But, it's pretty close.

Starting in August I will be a middle school teacher at a christian school here in town. I already know several teachers who work there and a few parents whose children attend there. All have great things to say. I find this encouraging. I'm excited. And I'm also scared.

I haven't been in a traditional classroom for several years now. I have been tutoring and assisting others with homeschooling. But 16+ students in a classroom all staring at and depending on me...its been awhile. I have an overwhelming desire to reread every teaching book I've ever owned. I no longer browse pinterest for recipes but classroom ideas. I  sit on the couch staring at the tv but thinking about curriculum, classroom management, and various other teachery things. But the biggest sign of the upcoming school year are the nightmares.

This is not new for me. Every year about two weeks before school started I would begin having nightmares. The content of the nightmares is what you expect, I'm sure. Unruly children creating chaos and small fires everywhere they go, disapproving principals ominously shaking their heads, me running horribly late, forgetting which classroom is mine, realizing I forgot to get dressed. But this year they have come earlier, happen more frequently, and seem much more vivid. I feel like a newbie again. I wake up startled and drenched in sweat. My mind charges back to reality and relief floods my entire body as I realize it was just a dream, and no, I have not been fired on the first day of school.

As weird as this may read.... I'm glad for these nightmares. They are proof of new experiences. New adventures. New school and new friends. They signal my return to a profession I love.

My hiatus is over. The school year will start and the nightmares will end.

They always do.

And yet....... well, that's for the next entry........