The NOT So Cool Kid.

This past weekend we had our students from church over to the house. At some point during the night one student insinuated ( or maybe flat out stated) that I was a bit of a nerdy person. I was not offended. I had heard this before and at the age of thirty-one readily accepted the truth of the statement. I am a bit of a nerd, and always have been. I just didn't always know it.

I went to a very small high school where everyone hung out with everyone. When there are only ten people in your graduating class you are forced to have social interactioins with everyone despite perceived status. So honestly, I just never even thought about "cool" in high school. From my high school puddle I jumped straight to a ginormous lake. A 14,000 person lake. Again, I really didn't think about social status. There were way too many people for that to even be relevant. But, I built a little friend group. They were hilarious, fun, and creative ladies. We had an awesome time together. It would be these same ladies that would open my eyes.

It was a regular old weeknight, and we sat in my dormroom playing a board game ( that probably should have been my first clue).  In this particular game you describe people using provided adjectives. When it came time to describe me I was bewildered to see that ALL of my friends had chosen Cheesy. I, of course, had chosen Hilarious...... cause I am. They all assured me that we were all cheesy in a lovable dorky way. My confused expression and breathless stutters prompted one friend to quietly ask, " oh honey, you didn't think we were the cool kids did you?" I sat there mouth gaping and simply nodded. I felt like the main character who just learned they were adopted. Past moments swirled through my head: making up dance routines to Debbie Gibson songs. My bedroom walls covered in posters of the Beatles, Cary Grant, William Holden, and Jimmy Stewart ( sigh). The coolest party I had ever been to was hosted by parents. I had only been to parties that used words like "hosted". A flash of me tumbling down a hill after falling off my bike two days before Senior Prom. 

My eyes were open, and sadly the world made more sense now. I was not the Kelly Kapowski. I was the female Screech. 

This might have been a devastating blow for some, but I was surrounded by friends who assured me we shared this common bond. Instead of clawing against it, I embraced it. 

My college years were spent laughing, making up stupid dances, campus water balloon fights, midnight hide and go seek, 80s movies marathons, a 21st birthday rootbeer kegger, and thousands of Cheesy inside jokes. I loved every lame minute. 

And I still do. 

You can call me lame, cheesy or nerdy... but I know it's really just code for Awesome.

Change Will do You Good....

Change. A dirty word in my world. Something I'm not particularly keen to embrace. Instead I wiggle down into my comfort zones and try to ignore the little hints God is giving me. I curl my fingers tight around my wants and refuse to consider other possibilities. I close my eyes, stick my fingers in my ears, and loudly sing la-la-la. Very adult, I know. 

In the book The Beloved Disciple Beth Moore asks,"What do you do when you don't understand what Jesus is doing?"

Sometimes during a season of change, this is exactly how I feel. Jesus, what are you doing?? More importantly, how will I respond to what you are doing? Will I obey even when it's scary? Or hurts? Or doesn't quite make sense from man's perpective? Am I willing to embrace the change that unsettles me?

Thankfully, my Jesus isn't just playing this by ear. He has it all planned out and even if it doesnt make sense to me, I know it makes perfect sense to Him.

 Time to loosen my grip and open my eyes. My God has a plan, an adventure, a change.

Stalk this way... A confession

Confession time- I am a social media stalker. Creepily enough, I stalk other women. Women who I think are awesome and I secretly want to be their best friend... Or for them to at least know I am alive. The stalking in itself is not necessarily bad ( sure it's weird but not bad). The bad part is I begin to compare, like obsessively compare. 

Her blog is amazing... I wish I wrote more like her. 

That outfit is perfection.... Why isn't my wardrobe that awesome?

She is so thin..... I need to starve myself to achieve a thigh gap.

I love her hair... I want effortless beachy waves!

She has a fierce love for Jesus.... Why can't my relationship with Christ look like hers?

The proper response to all of these: because I'm not her! I'm me! I recently read a devotional that spoke to the individual purpose God has for each of us. How He has a plan specifically tailored for me. Yet, I've been missing it. I have been so busy obsessing over what I'm not, I've missed what I am.

I am a child of the King. Created in His image. Tailored for a specific purpose. 

Touching thighs and all.