I'm back.

Please forgive my long absence. I have been distracted, tired, dry.

Over the past couple of weeks peeople very close to me have been going through some tough lessons. God has been stretching them and growing them. As a result, I have experienced my own time of frustration, questioning, growing, and acceptance. It has been uncomfortable and scary but totally worth it.

I am amazed at the faithfulness of my God. Two weeks ago I didn't understand what He was doing or why He was sending my loved ones (and me) through these situations. Honestly, I still don't completely understand, but now I completely trust Him. 

I didn't want to write about these uncomfortable growing pains and, I couldn't  detach from them to write about anything else. But, I feel ready now. Ready to write and share again. So, NaBloPoMo was a bust!.....Oh Well! There is always next year!

Wallower

They say grief has different stages. I think any major life event will be accompanied by various stages of emotion. It is normal and healthy to walk through different feelings as we process and experience life. But, sometimes we get stuck in a particular stage of emotion. This is unhealthy and damaging to ourselves and the people around us.

I'll admit it. I am stuck. I know I am stuck... And I don't care. This is referred to as wallowing. I am wallowing, alot. And I'm good at it. My head knows that it is time to move on and begin to process things from a new perspective and through different emotions, but my heart feels justified. I feel I deserve this nice long wallow. 

So, I'm taking it. In response, just ignore me over the next few days. I am throwing an epic pity party, and do not wish to be disturbed. If you are looking to talk sense, please go else where. I don't want any. I just want to wallow. 

You see, I'm stuck.

today.

The domestic troll

Load dishwasher. Unload dishwasher.
Wash laundry. Fold laundry. Put laundry in drawers.
Dust. Vacuum. Sweep. Mop.
Clean bathroom. Four year old uses bathroom. Clean bathroom again. 
Pick up toys. Pick up toys again. Tell four year old to pick up toys. Wait. Pick up toys again. 
Make breakfast. Do dishes. Make lunch. Do dishes. Make dinner. Do dishes. 
Aaaaahhhhh! 

I am not a domestic goddess. I'm more like a domestic troll. Short, chubby, and slightly bitter as I shuffle about my duties.  I read the Facebook post of some of my more domestically inclined friends. They relish this job. They  vacuum daily, make their own laundry soap, scrub their baseboards weekly, dance to Yo Gabba Gabba with their kids, and still have time to make a three course meal. I read this with awe and jealousy mixed with a hint of a snarl. 

I recently read an article that said a real woman understands the importance of her role as the domestic keeper of her home. She appreciates and fulfills... Blah blah blah... (Insert eye roll here). You see, I understand the importance of my role. I will aggressively attack all the chores listed above. I just won't do them with a saccharin  smile on my face, heels on my feet, and pearls around my neck. 

And yes, this was written in a stunning display of procrastination. I guess I should start those chores now....

Create

Create. A powerful word that has always intimidated me. I have always wanted to reach towards this idea of creating something beautiful and memorable. I just didn't know if I could. 

And tonight I find myself hesitating. I have started several different posts only to delete them and start anew. They are stories I am not yet ready to write. They are ideas and thoughts I can not share. They are too personal, too close to me and who I am. As I try to write them down, I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Creating something takes courage. It is laying bare a part of yourself for all the world to see. 

Tonight, I learned I am not courageous. I can't freely share without thought of who will see this, how it will affect them, how it will affect me. I stared at the words on the screen and they just felt wrong, almost inappropriate. Create. It is a powerful word. A power that must sometimes be checked. 

Maybe not all things need to be created. 

Time well spent

Vacations should be relaxing, and our latest trip to Atlanta definitely was. We chose to spend the majority of our time with family and tried to avoid rushing around from one place to another. Although, we did go on a few fun excursions.

We took Isaac to visit Josh's aunt at the fire station she works at.  She showed him the trucks, an ambulance, all the gear, and a hovercraft used in water rescues. Needless to say, Isaac loved it! His favorite part was opening the compartment doors on the side of the fire truck. He was also pretty fascinated by the hovercraft... I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty sweet.

Our next big outing was to the Georgia Aquarium in down town Atlanta. Josh's grandma watched our youngest so we could really focus on spending time with our big kid. Isaac loved The aquarium! We had a hard time getting a descent pic because he wouldn't hold still. He was busy rushing from one exhibit to the next. Thanks to a little show called Octonauts, my child is a mini expert on sea life. He ran around the aquarium shouting, " Seahorses!" "Jellyfish!" " Pirhanas!" "Beluga Whales!" It was adorable and impressive to see how many of the fish he recognized. We also were able to see a dolphin show which I thought was neat. Isaac thought it was a bit long ( he was ready to move on to the sharks). Overall, it was a fun experience and I'm glad we were able to provide it for our boy.

Vacation officially ends today. Tomorrow we head back to life, responsibilities, and routine. I feel we are ready though. We are rested and refreshed. We hid from reality, invested in each other as a family, and took some time for ourselves. It may not have been fancy, but it was ours.

Truths about Johnny B.

Reasons why my Father is awesome ( a fun little list in honor of my Dad)

1. He has an entire drawer dedicated to chocolate. Not the cheap stuff, but real chocolate

2. He lovingly shares the chocolate from said drawer.

3. He truly believes chocolate cures any illness or heartache.

4. His soothing voice can calm the angriest of babies.

5. His biting sarcasm... It's amazing to behold in full force!

6. He is one of the most generous people I know.

7. He loves to dance and is really good at it. I am hoping one of these days he will teach me to shag          
( a southern beach style dance).

8. He has impeccable taste. The man knows how to dress.

9. Unlike many men, he has never shied away from saying he loves his family or showing affection.

10. He is an extremely hard worker.

11. He loves to iron........Okay this one might just be strange.

12. He willingly played barbies and had tea parties with us when we were children. Now, he willingly plays Legos, ninja, or whatever other craziness his grandsons request.

13. He cooks breakfast every morning, and it is always delicious.

14. His homemade spaghetti sauce is legendary.

15. He is a true biblical example of what a husband and father should be.

Yep, my Dad rocks.

Home again

After seven hours of interstate, intermittent sleeping and crying, face booking, snacking, changing DVDs, candy crush, and hearing " I'm hungry" we are finally home from our vacation.

We spent the majority of our time connecting with and enjoying family. We did take our oldest son to the aquarium which he thoroughly enjoyed. I also had the chance to slip away for some thrift store shopping which I thoroughly enjoyed. And dont worry about the hubs, he was able to enjoy several hours of basketball! 

Despite all my worrying about sleep situations we all slept and survived. My boys weren't too wild, and I didn't display too much crazy. I am embarrassed to admit I was the last one up each morning ( one morning I didn't get up till ten!) I told the hubs they probably think I'm the laziest person ever. He assured me they knew I had been up with the baby through out the night. I chose to believe him, and just avoided eye contact as I stumbled down the stairs each morning.

Now, I'm just glad to be out of the car and safely home. The boys are already in their beds and I am ready for mine. Hopefully later this week I can share some more detail and photos of our trip. But right now I'm going to fall asleep to the sweet sounds of the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Golden State Warriors.           

                  

                       * Sigh..........*

Mini Me

Recently it has becoming increasingly apparent that my child is very aware of the things I say and do. He is so aware that he begins to say and do them too. Sometimes this can be very sweet and heart warming, other times it is embarrassing and convicting.

Today we took Isaac to the Georgia Aquarium in downtown Atlanta. Now if you know me you know I HATE fish. I think they are grossly weird creatures and the oceans would be much better without them. Unfortunately, my husband and son think they are amazing. Hence the trip to the Aquarium. While there I caught myself spelling a lot of my thoughts to my husband. For example, " That angler fish is g-r-o-s-s." I didn't want Isaac to know I thought the whole place horrible. I didn't want to color his experience, or ruin sea life for him. He loves it, and I didn't want that to change because of me.

This evening, as I sat thinking about our day, I realized how hard I had worked at protecting him from such a trivial thing... My opinion of fish. My actions today showed I understand the power of my influence in his life. Am I that aware when it comes to things that matter? Do I protect him from gossip? Name calling? Anger? Sarcasm? Whining? Blaming others?

Do I instead provide him with attitudes to emulate? Do I encourage him to love others? Share? Give freely? Encourage? Forgive? Sacrifice?  Do I point him to Christ in my everyday actions and responses ?

My boys are watching and listening. Their responses to life will reflect my own. It's time I truly consider what they are seeing and hearing so I can be proud of what I hear and see from them.

So I Missed a Day

I didn't post yesterday. I really did want to meet the goal of NaBloPoMo, but we are on vacation this week and other things took priority.

Instead of posting I enjoyed a delicious meal. I sat at the table with family and shared rich conversation. I proudly watched as my children were exclaimed over and loved. We built on past relationships making them deeper and stronger.

I apologize for not posting yesterday, but know that I was off living life so I could write about it later.

Vacation- all I ever wanted....

Today is a momentous occasion. One that I have been looking forward to but also slightly nervous about. Today, we embarked upon our first vacation as a family  of four. And oh my! How things have changed!

I sit writing this from a pitch black hotel room that is filled with the sounds of my men. A coughing four year old, the snotty snore of a four month old, and the exhausted snuffle of my hubs. B.C. (before children) vacations were an adventure. I loved staying in hotels, exploring new places, and trying new things. Now.. Hotels make me nervous. I'm afraid my child will wake up screaming and disturb anyone and everyone near us. The only adventure I care for now is the dream variety. I'm pretty sure I would choose an uninterrupted nap over any form of exploring. 

B.C. I would spend time pouring over web sites and message boards looking for ideas of things to do at our destination. Now... I spend time worrying about sleeping arrangements and interrupted sleeping habits. Who knew simply changing the scenery outside the pack-n-play could throw off a four month old completely?? 

B.C. I refused to stop unless it was an absolute emergency. There were times we traveled from Florida to N.C. and only stopped once which was for gas. Now... We stopped after having been on the road for five minutes. A certain little boy had to use the bathroom.  The other little boy just hates his car seat and spent a good portion of the trip screaming. The hubs plugged his ears. I resorted to rocking back and forth while twitching.

Thankfully, we are going to visit family who I'm sure will kindly forgive my boys and their off schedule, and will turn a blind eye to my display of crazy. But, after one day of vacation I'm already in need of a vacation.... Or a Valium. 

Public Service Saturday: Silly Spelling Slip ups

I am indulging my inner nerd today, and addressing spelling. Yes, spelling. This is a personal pet peeve that often causes me to wince while reading blogs, facebook, or anything really.

As I scroll through facebook I often see certain words misspelled. Some are obvious typos, some are just difficult words, and some are " near words". "Near words" are words that are close in spelling but very different in meaning. Today, I would like to simply bring your attention to these words and how easy it can be to mix them up.

1. Lose vs. Loose- I remember it this way: I only want to lOse it once, but I want it to be extra lOOse.

2. Breathe vs. Breath - you can be SHORT of breath ( get it... it's a shorter word). Or just remember you hear an "e" when you say breathe ( not at the end of the word.. but nonetheless it will help you make the connection)

3. Your vs. You're-  These two words are homophones, and are easily confused. A quick fix is to say the phrase out loud and insert the are. Does it make sense? Then use You're.
Ex.  You are tall. Check!                       You're tall.
       You are dog is cute. No Check.    Your dog is cute.

I'm sure there are way more words that are missused or mixed up. I'm curious to know which ones bother you....

These are just some silly tips my brain uses to keep tricky words straight. Hopefully, it will help you too. So go forth and Status Update properly!

** please note- this is not a claim to spelling or grammatical perfection. I will make mistakes. Feel free to lovingly correct me so we can move on together.**

ISO...my pillow

My eyes are heavy and outlined in baggy dark circles. The sides of my mouth are slightly crusted in drool. I am tired.

My precious son has been struggling with the concept of sleep lately. This is disappointing. You see, for roughly a month he teased me by sleeping 8 hours straight. I happilyy thought that we had beaten sleepless nights. I rejoiced over the idea of uninterrupted sleep. My joy was premature. 

Last week he cut his first tooth ( at 31/2 months, crazy I know!), and as a result his awesone sleep routine disappeared. He began waking up a couple times every night. The tooth is now officially in, but his sleep habits have yet to correct themselves. 

So please forgive these awkward blog posts. In all honesty, I'm partially asleep as I type this. I warned you at the beginning of NaBloPoMo that the posts may not always be coherent, but I promised to write them anyway.  

Good night friends. I'm going to stop drooling on the keyboard and go crash on my pillow.  Let's pray I get to spend some much needed, uninterrupted time with that pillow. I think it's beginning to feel neglected......

Needed

Tonight, as I sat twitching at the sound of  a shrill voice calling, " Mommy!" and a four month old screaming I thought.....I just want to not be needed. 

The selfishness and foolishness of this thought didn't hit me till later. I was holding the aforementioned  four month old while he slept, and I stared jealously wishing I could be sleeping. Then i realized sleep will one day come, "Mommy" will eventually no longer be screamed, and I will get my wish. I will no longer be needed. 

The longest season of all...

Pumpkins, vibrant colors, comfort foods, time with family..... the NBA. Can you find the one that just doesn't quite fit in? The unvited guest that crashed the party? Yes, the professional basketball season has begun. It has broken into my life and will remain an unwanted guest until July. Yep, July.

I really do enjoy basketball, but have always struggled at making a connection with the NBA. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't just connect with the NBA, he has a deep relationship with it. And it's not just with one team. He will watch the game no matter who is playing. He texts friends and family and has long conversations analyzing the game. He mutters to himself and outright yells at the tv. He is passioinate and absorbed.

I sit on the couch staring blankly as my husband watches intently and my four year old yells, " Is that Buh-bron?", his version of Lebron. ( My husband is already trying to teach him all the starters for The Heat). I occassionally nod and smile pretending to care. I secretly countdown the days to the finals and the end of the season.

 I think I could handle this if it was just a couple games a week, but sometimes it's a couple games a night! Even holidays are ambushed by these freakishly tall men. They have taken Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.  Thank goodness for DVR, or I'm not sure we would see my husband on these special days.... or any day.

So, welcome back NBA. Back to my tv, to dominating my dvr, to being the background noise that rocks me to sleep each night, to our lives.

Blessed

The night is cold, but my home is warm. The aromas of dinner still hang in the air as I wipe the stove clean. Dishes are piled waiting to be put in the dishwasher. As I stare at the mess, laughter pours in from the other room. My husband is tickling our oldest son while humming a silly tune to entertain our youngest son.

I smile despite the chores surrounding me. 

My heart is full.

 I am blessed.

Accountability Monday

Last Monday I posted about my new found determination to lose weight and get in shape. I worked out all week, ate right, and shunned sugary drinks. I was down two pounds and feeling invincible!

Then Friday came...followed by Saturday and Sunday. My determination became a slight inclination. Eating right was a minor concern, exercise was climbing the stairs, and sweet tea was guzzled. I didn't just fall off the wagon, I crashed it then lit it on fire and danced around it. The worst part is that I really don't feel that guilty. I'm a bit disappointed with myself and my lack of self control. I realize that I didn't even make it a full week and how pitiful that is. I guess I just haven't bottomed out yet. I haven't reached my point of desperation, and I'm not so sure I'm going to reach it before Thanksgiving or Christmas.

My amazing hubs did much better than I did. He had a pretty successful weekend, and I am quite proud of him. Maybe his success will be the catalyst I need. 

So dear friends, I asked last week that you hold me accountable ( and several of you really did try). Despite my weekend failure and current feeling of indifference , I do still want and need your accountability. Continue to show the tough love. Maybe with your help I'll put down the oreos for good. 

A Little Us Time

My parents kindly offered to watch the boys last night so the hubs and I could go out. We were only gone for an hour and thirty minutes, but it felt like an entire evening.

We went to a little café and ordered whatever we wanted with no considerations of the reaction of a four year old sharing with us. We chose a small table near other people with out fear of receiving glares. We talked, laughed, and flirted. We didn't even care that the service was a bit slow.

It was a needed and refreshing time for us as a couple. We were able to truly talk about issues in our lives.We shared our thoughts with out interruption. It was lovely.

We returned to our children lighter. We were excited to see them and happily listened to one chatter and the other babble. We love our boys, but sometimes it's nice to have an hour and thirty minutes to remind us how much.

Fat Arms

It's a universal fact that we all have embarrassing secrets. Today, I am going to share one of mine. It is something that is an irreversible fact about myself that I have had to simply accept. I.... Have..... Fat arms. If you are a man you just read that and became confused. If you are a woman you read that, gasped, and nodded knowingly. It is not an expression. I literally have fat arms.

This was first pointed out to me when I was teaching 10th grade in Florida. I was diligently assisting one of my darling 10th grade boys with his grammar assignment. I was having a real " Dead Poet's" moment. A teacher connecting with and shaping her pupils to do great things! This student was staring intently. I was making an impact. He tilts his head and points while saying, " Dang Mrs. T you've got big arms.... No, really. They're huge!"

Wounded, I stepped back while self consciously crossing my arms. " It's the shirt" I mumbled defensively, and stumbled to my desk to yank a sweater over my freakish upper arms. The wide eyed shock of this 10th grade delinquent stayed with me for years. It motivated me to tone and shape my arms. I could at least claim they were abnormally large from being in awesome shape ( so this never actually happened but it was attempted). I chose shirts and dresses that flattered and became a huge fan of the cardigan. I was at peace with my fat arms.

Well, this past weekend I needed a dress for a special occasion. I hastily chose a lacy confection from the store the day of the event. I hurried home to get dressed and ready. I slipped the dress on and set upon the task of finding the right shoes to go with it. While on this hunt, I noticed a growing rip in the lace sleeve of the right arm. Stunned, I ran to the mirror to check the severity of this wardrobe malfunction. It was bad. It was an ever widening, gargantuan hole in the upper arm of the sleeve. I haughtily shared my surprise that this store would sell such poor quality clothing that was already ripped when I bought it. " I was in such a hurry I didn't even notice!" I stammered.  "Why, I never!" I sputtered in my best southern belle. I made do as best I could, attempting to hide the rip through out the evening, and tsking this store whenever someone started to point or give a questioning look.

But between me and you, I'm not sure it was the dress or the store. I think it was the fat arm. It might be time to revisit that whole toning mission. Or, embrace the situation and charge a viewing fee....

NaBloPoMo

It's NaBloPoMo! That's insider lingo for National Blog Post Month ( I just learned that this week... I guess I'm finally an insider). In honor of NaBloPoMo I have made a commitment to write a new post everyday.  This is a big commitment people, but I think it's doable.... And I am actually kind of excited for the challenge.  

I'm not promising every post will be profound, insightful, entertaining, or even coherent! But, I do promise to write everyday. I have spent the last week compiling ideas for this month long adventure. Trust me, thinking up thirty different topics that are at least partially interesting is harder than it sounds. 

What you can expect this month:
My experience with Post Partum Depression
Why my family is crazier than yours
My kid said what....??
Forget lunch let's do life
Raising a thankful child
My dream date
Fat arms ( just wait.. It'll make sense)
The little things
My favorite thanksgiving recipes
The curse of the NBA
Anti DIY

As you can see, I'm still coming up with ideas. So, if you have any feel free to share!